For moms in Savannah and the Coastal Empire

Step-grandparents

Hi, before I list my question I will give a little background. I have a husband and we have two sons, one who is six and the other is three. My husband is the father of both, although biologically only the father of the youngest. We have been together since before our oldest turned two years old. He is not aware that my husband is not his father, we are waiting a couple of more years before telling him. Okay, my issue, my in-laws have two biological grandsons and then they have our oldest son. My mother-in-law let my husband know on this past Friday that she would only allow our youngest, her biological grandson, to spend the night at her house. She allows her other biological grandson to stay over all the time. I am trying so hard to not feel anger towards her, but it is getting increasingly difficult as each day passes and I think about it over and over. My dilema is this, she wants our youngest son to stay with them this weekend and I do not know what to do. My husband is okay with it, my first instinct is to say no, if both of my sons are not welcome then neither will go. Then I begin to think it is not my right to force them to accept my son as their grandson and I do not have the right to deny them their grandson. The protective part of me wants to say no and to not go over there for a visit ever again. I know I am not being rational but I no longer know what the rational reaction is, does anyone have any advice or insight that would help?

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Parents just don't understand.....

WOW! I took the blogging weekend off.....I hope this isn't too late!!!

No mother should put another mother through that. But your story leads me to believe you and your oldest son don't have the greatest relationship with "The In-laws". Reflect back on the time that you and your husband have been together and the interaction that your eldest has had with your husbands parents. Have you included them in your family activities? (Birthdays Holidays etc.) This is important because you want them to be as much a part of your family as you are theirs.

You have two options in this situation:

1) Speak to Grandma, expecting that she will relay to Grandpa, have a Mother to Mother talk and let her know your situation and the predicament you feel like you're in. She might be easier to handle if you ask for her advice. If you want her to treat you as a daughter you have to make her feel like she s in a parental role, subsequently a Grand-parental role.

2) Discuss it with your husband. He is the protector of your household and everything in it. He can't set aside and let you and his parents figure this one out. He has taken on the role and responsibility of "Father" and his family has to support him.....period. We you present anything to his family, or anyone for that matter, it needs to be a united front.

Let me know how it all turns out.....

The Coastal Mommie

Unbelievable

I don't understand how grandparents can be so cruel.  A child is a child and deserves to be loved by all.  There is no picking and choosing amongst sibblings.  If they want one sibbling one weekend, then they should take the other the next weekend.  It is not an either/or situation.  Be strong mama!! 

Response on facebook

This blog was posted on our Coastal Mommies facebook page as well, and this is an answer we had from one of the "fans" of the page:

Hmmm...not an easy answer here. I think I would 1) not let either boy sleep over at grandmas house but be nice & polite about that decision (& stick to it bc you don't want any animosity taken out on older son if grandma eventually backs down) or 2) when younger son goes on sleep overs make it a "date" for you, hubby & older son so he doesn't feel like he is missing out on anything else.
PS. Just wondering...is he "allowed" to call her grandma?(Submitted by Suzanne Pablo)

Tough Situation

THenderson -

I'm sorry that you are being put in this situation.  It seems like a very emotional situation to have to deal with.  I do agree with yogamama though when she says they don't seem to be living by "do unto other as you would have them do unto you."

I think you should stand your ground with how you feel about the situation. After all, the two little boys have done nothing to affect the way the grandparents should feel.  It seems very unfair and slightly heartless for grandparents to act in this manner.

Good luck with the situation.  It may seem hard to understand now, but everything will work out for the best if you lead with what your heart is telling you to do!

step-grandparents

First let me say that I am so sorry that you have been put in a position where you have to make a decision.  I am trying so hard to understand the rational of an adult who would demonstrate preferential treatment between two LITTLE BOYS who both think of them as their grandparents.  Not really leading by example in the whole "do onto others as you would have them do onto you".  How do explain to a six year old, who is quite old enough to get his feelings hurt, that his grandparents only want to spend time with his little brother, not him?  You are being rational in every sense of the word to want to protect the emotional well being of your children.  Although you cannot force your in-laws to love their grandchildren equally you can set boundaries for acceptable behavior when it comes to your boys.  You are not denying them access to their grandchild; they, by their own choice, are deciding not to spend time with him by not including his brother.

Good luck!

 

Well said!

"You are not denying them access to their grandchild; they, by their own
choice, are deciding not to spend time with him by not including his
brother."

That's a great point, yogamama!

It sounds like those in-laws have an agenda, but being a caring influence on children doesn't seem to be part of it.